


i stand on my tip-toes and start all over again

by cute_lil_fluff



Series: ot4 pu: channie [6]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fainting, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-31
Updated: 2018-12-31
Packaged: 2019-10-01 17:02:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17248049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cute_lil_fluff/pseuds/cute_lil_fluff
Summary: "Do you know where you are, Chan-ah? Tell me where we are." Seungcheol instructs, his voice unnaturally cheery to hide how upset he is. It's hard to see anyone in such a vulnerable position, let alone someone you're so close to, let alone someone you feels so responsible for. Chan's young, he's only little- he's Cheol's little brother. No one wants to see their little brother lying anxious and broken on their living room floor.





	1. chapter one

Soonyoung's got Chan in his lap, rocking him gently, cheek pressed against the top of his head. Chan had come to him as soon as he'd returned from the studio, feeling anxious and craving comfort. Soonyoung had immediately coaxed him over to the armchair, getting the younger in his grasp. They're alone in the living room, but Soonyoung knows that Seungcheol and Jisoo are hovering in the kitchen as Mingyu cooks dinner, ready to step in if needed, and Junhui, Minghao, and Hansol are camped out in the corridor behind them.

"You're doing so well, Channie. Everything's okay; just you and me." He mumbles, doing his best to reassure Chan's worrying mind. Chan whimpers against his throat, nosing sharply at his Adam's apple. The tears had started almost as soon as they'd sat down, dampening Chan's red cheeks and clogging up his throat. His breathing is okay for right now- only a little hurried- so that's good. Soonyoung just holds him tight, wishing he could drain all the bad feelings from the precious boy in his arms.

"I hate feeling like this," Chan says, quietly- Soonyoung almost misses it.

"I know you do, baby. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. You don't deserve it in the slightest." Chan whines a little, but snuggles closer, making himself as small as possible. Soonyoung kisses the top of his head. "Did something happen after we left the studio? Or before? Or are you just having a bad day?" Soonyoung asks, hoping to get Chan feeling better before this escalates into something more dire.

"I was a little uneasy before, which made it harder to get anything right, which made me even more anxious. And now I'm just-" Chan cuts himself off with a shaky sigh; Soonyoung rubs his back and nods against his head, letting him know that he understands.

"What were you working on?" Soonyoung asks, trying to change the topic of conversation into something Chan enjoys talking about, hoping it may make him feel a little better.

"My solo for Ideal Cut. I'm actually really excited about it. I was struggling with it today, but if I can get it right- I think it will be really cool." Soonyoung can already hear the change in his voice, and despite the tears on his face, his mouth is pulled into a small smile. Soonyoung presses a kiss to his head again, more than fond of this boy.

"It's going to be amazing. I can't wait until you show me." Soonyoung replies and Chan sits up in his lap. He wipes his face with his sleeves and hooks his arms around Soonyoung's neck, grinning at him. Soonyoung's hands immediately cradle either side of his ribcage.

"Me too," Chan tells him before leaning in to give him a chaste kiss, their lips barely brushing before he pulls back again. Soonyoung chases him until he gets a proper one. Chan giggles, Soonyoung's heart squeezing with affection when Chan flops against his chest again, nose tucked against his collarbone.

Soonyoung runs a palm up and down the length of his spine as Chan's laughter fades out into a calm sense of contentedness. "How are you feeling?" Soonyoung asks, lips brushing against his temple as he speaks. He knows that Chan's anxiety can't have completely disappeared, but he hopes that it's at least lessened it's grip on him a little bit.

"Better." Chan half-whispers against the sensitive skin of Soonyoung's neck, causing him to shiver and squirm, making Chan laugh again. It's very easy to forget that bad things exist in life with Chan's laugh as a backing track. They only part from each other when Mingyu calls out that dinner is ready and a herd of hungry boys stampede towards the kitchen. Chan flinches a little at the noise but quickly steels himself, shaking his head with a sigh and a fond smile before standing from Soonyoung's lap, holding a hand out for him to take.

Soonyoung squeezes tightly.

Dinner is its usual boisterous affair, the thirteen of them squeezed around the table in the kitchen, five different conversations going on at once. Chan eats quietly, still pressed against Soonyoung's side. Chan loves his members to pieces, but it's no joke how much noise they can make. It's fine, though- it's good noise.

In the flash of an eye, Mingyu whirls around in his seat, his elbow making contact with his glass of water, sending it hurtling towards the tiles. The sound of the smash is deafening, at least it is to Chan. He sees white for a moment, the crash causing his anxiety to spike suddenly, his chest suddenly tight, his ribs aching. He presses a hand to his chest as he gets to his feet, stumbling a little ways away from the table.

"Chan, careful-" Seungcheol warns a hand on Chan's hip guiding him from walking straight into the shattered glass with bare feet. Rational Chan would be grateful for their leader's quick instincts, but this Chan is overwhelmed and being touched without warning does not help. He yelps and jumps away from the hand, thankfully further away from the glass too, which Mingyu quickly gets to cleaning up as the others watch Chan in stunned silence.

Junhui is the first one to move, quickly followed by Soonyoung and Hansol, slowly approaching Chan with his hands spread before him. Chan's not even paying attention though- he's doubled over, propped up against the wall as his knees shake and his chest rattles with each gasping breath he takes. His tears spatter against the floor and his sobs make everyone else in the room want to cry as well. Seokmin has a hand pressed over his mouth and Seungkwan's already got wet eyes.

"Channie. Channie, it's me- Junnie. Can you hear me?" He asks, trying his best to keep his voice stable. Chan nods, minutely, but he doesn't look up. He coughs around his next breath and his shoulders tense up- he's so scared. Junhui's heart hurts for him. "I need you to take some deep breaths, okay? We need to get your breathing under control." Jun tells him, but Chan just sobs.

"Can't- can't- hurts-" Is all he manages to stutter out, turning to the side and knocking his head against the wall. Out of the corner of his eye, Soonyoung sees Hansol's hands tense into fists, like he's having to hold himself back from wrapping Chan up in his arms to keep him out of harm's way.

"I know, baby. But we can do this, you can do this. Listen to me, okay?" Junhui instructs, carefully getting a little closer- Chan doesn't step away. "I'm going to count to four, okay? You know this, you can do this." He says before he starts counting, the familiar rhythm calming them all a little. The rest of the members are still at the table, feeling like they should leave, give them some space, but knowing that moving now would do more harm than good.

Chan doesn't follow the exercise as easily as he usually does, after nearly five minutes he's still hyperventilating, his face red from the lack of oxygen. This is bad, Soonyoung watches him with wide eyes, hands itching to do something, to fix this. Junhui doesn't stop counting, but it's obvious that he's getting more and more worked up as well. Soonyoung doesn't have to look at him to know that he's crying.

Chan's shaky legs suddenly give up on him and Soonyoung's lunging towards him before his knees even hit the tile. As soon as he grasps at Chan's elbow, though, he knows he's made a mistake. Chan cries out in shock and pulls away, knocking himself against the wall again until he's able to pull himself to his feet, stumbling out of the room. "Bad idea. That was a bad idea." Soonyoung mumbles to himself as he follows the boy into the living room, knowing already that he's made things ten times worse and kicking himself for it. That's the last thing he wanted to do.

Taking them by surprise, Hansol wraps each of his hands in the fabric of Junhui and Soonyoung's T-shirts, stopping them in their tracks and taking their place. He kneels down beside Chan who's crumpled on the carpet, head in his hands, trembling all over as he sobs, loudly and painfully. "Hey, Chan-ah. I'm here with you, you're going to be okay. We didn't mean to scare you, kid. We just want you to feel better." Hansol talks to him in a quiet voice, his words only meant for Chan's ears.

Chan seems to be listening to him, eventually pulling a hand from his face to grasp at one of Hansol's, their fingers lacing together. However, it's not a good sign when Chan's cries begin to slow down, because his eyes are glazed over and the breaths he does manage to get in are becoming shallower. His eyes roll back in his head. Hansol is ready, catching him easily when he pitches forward, pulling the youngest to lie across his lap when he passes out.

Soonyoung's mouth hangs open. Chan's only lost consciousness due to a panic attack once before, the first attack he had in front of the members before he'd told them about his anxiety. Ever since then, they'd always managed to calm him down before it got to this point. Seeing him pale and unconscious, body slack, unmoving- it's hard to look at.

Beside Soonyoung, Junhui chokes on a sob and stumbles forward before being intercepted by Minghao, him and Jihoon guiding Jun out of the room. They can't risk two casualties. This snaps everyone out of their daze, including Soonyoung, who kneels down beside Chan. His instincts take over as he rolls Chan into the recovery position and presses two fingers against the pulse point in his neck, relieved to feel that his heartbeat is gradually evening out.

"It's okay, Channie. We've got you. You're going to be just fine." He mumbles to the boy, but it's mostly to reassure himself. In a bizarre way, it was probably a good thing that Chan passed out- his breathing growing steady for one thing. Chan's not going to feel good when he wakes up, but he wouldn't have felt good panicking for another half an hour either. Soonyoung's just glad that he's finally getting some oxygen.

Everyone but Soonyoung, Hansol, and the three eldest go back into the kitchen, not wanting to overcrowd the room and make the situation even more stressful. Jisoo sits next to Hansol, wrapping an arm around his shoulder, wanting to make sure that he was doing okay whilst the others look after their maknae. Hansol leans into his side gratefully, eyes still fixed on Chan. Jisoo pulls his phone from his pocket, unlocking it just in case.

Jeonghan rubs at Chan's shoulders, trying to gently coax him back into consciousness. "We've got you, baby boy. Don't be scared, you're okay. Come back to us, little one." He murmurs, struggling not to see Chan as the little twelve year old he was when this last happened. His protective instincts are still as strong as ever. He's trying to be tough, but all he wants to do is pull Chan into his arms and sob into his hair.

Chan startles them all with a broken groan, trying to roll over but just pressing himself against Jeonghan's knees. He blinks his eyes open, squinting at the light as Soonyoung brushes a hand through his hair, cooing down at him softly. "Hey, pumpkin. Good to see you up again." Chan just frowns up at his bright grin, still dazed and confused. His head is aching and his chest is sore and Jeonghan's bony knees are digging into his spine. "What's going on in that head of yours?" Soonyoung mumbles to himself, leaning down to kiss the tip of Chan's nose.

Chan whines, lifting a shaky hand to scrub at his cheeks, knuckles dragging across his eyes. Jeonghan catches the hand and pulls it away, he doesn't want Chan hurting himself more than he already has. He lifts Chan's hand to his mouth, pressing a series of kisses to the dips between his knuckles. Chan watches him, gaze unfixed.

Seungcheol crouches beside Soonyoung, laying a warm hand on his shoulder. Turning his head, Soonyoung registers the tension in his jaw and the crease between his eyebrows. Even in the most distressing moments, when he's feeling just as stressed as everyone else, their leader is always able to hold himself together. He always knows what to do. "Channie, hey. Look at me, bud. Right here." Seungcheol calls, pulling Chan's gaze from Jeonghan.

Soonyoung can't help but lay a hand over the boy's stomach, thumb skimming along the fabric of his jumper.

"Do you know where you are, Chan-ah? Tell me where we are." Seungcheol instructs, his voice unnaturally cheery to hide how upset he is. It's hard to see anyone in such a vulnerable position, let alone someone you're so close to, let alone someone you feels so responsible for. Chan's young, he's only little- he's Cheol's little brother. No one wants to see their little brother lying anxious and broken on their living room floor.

"The dorm?" Chan answers. He's obviously not certain, but the five of them grin down proudly at him nonetheless. Seungcheol pats his head, ruffling his messy hair.

"Thank you, Channie. Do you remember what happened?" Chan shakes his head regretfully, wide eyes giving away just how confused and scared he is. None of them are surprised. Seungcheol's hand moves from his head to wipe away the tears that are forming beneath Chan's eyelids, but Jisoo's hand quickly takes it's place, stroking out the knots and tangles with practised ease. "That's alright, don't worry. You had a panic attack and passed out, okay? Do you remember that?"

This time, Chan nods, but Soonyoung can tell he's still not sure. Nevertheless, he lets it be. They don't want to make him feel worse. "You're doing so well, sweetheart." Soonyoung praises, smiling down at their maknae with soft eyes. It's hesitant, but Chan smiles back at him, a dimple appearing in one of his cheeks. Soonyoung smiles wider.

"Let's get you on the sofa, baby. It'll be a bit more comfortable than the floor. Does that sound good?" Jeonghan asks, and Chan nods, wriggling a little where he lays. Hansol chuckles- he's so cute.

"Here we go." Seungcheol narrates as he scoops Chan into his arms, being careful to keep a tight grip on him as he gets to his feet. Jeonghan gets up with him, hands hovering under Chan, just in case. Chan instinctively cuddles against Seungcheol's broad chest, tucking his face into the dip between his neck and his shoulder. Seungcheol presses a fond kiss to his temple.


	2. chapter two

Junhui startles from sleep in the middle of the night, a hand pressing down on the centre of his chest. He gasps, initially panicked, until he catches sight of Chan scrambling off the side of their bed in the dark. Junhui shakes himself awake when Chan crashes against the door frame as he runs from their bedroom.

By the time Junhui gets to the bathroom, Chan’s already hunched over the toilet, throwing up his dinner. Jun takes a breath and calms himself down, closing the door behind himself before kneeling down by Chan’s side. He rubs circles into Chan’s back and shushes him gently.

It only takes a few minutes before Chan runs out of stuff in his stomach and he’s left dry heaving into the bowl. His eyes are squeezed shut, grimacing as his stomach cramps painfully around nothing. Junhui tugs at his shoulders to get him to sit up, trying to get him away from the toilet which could only make him feel sicker.

“That’s it, pumpkin. You’re done, sit up for me.” Chan complains, weakly pulling against Jun, fingertips white where he's gripping the toilet seat.

“‘M not finished, stop- don’t wanna make a mess.” He slurs, but he quickly gives up, too exhausted to put up a fight. He’s pliant as Junhui lies him down on the floor, pulling a towel from the drying rack to fold up under his head as a makeshift pillow. Junhui strokes his hair, waiting for him to settle down a little. He's still coughing and sniffling, his face is a mess, but Junhui presses soft kisses to any clean bit of skin that he can find.

"I know you don't feel good. Let me look after you, Chan-ah. Let's get you sorted out." He coos, even though he's pretty certain Chan isn't listening to him. With a final kiss to his eyelid, Junhui stands up. He flushes the toilet before soaking a flannel under the warm tap to clean Chan's face, drying him up afterwards with a corner of the towel he's lying on. Chan whines, half-asleep. "You're not having a good time, are you? I'm sorry, baby, I'm sorry you feel like this." Chan doesn't answer him, but he does wrap a hand around Junhui's ankle as a sign of sleepy affection- he'll take it.

Jun lets Chan lie there for a little longer, watching as his pale face regains a bit of colour and he relaxes properly. It's when Chan wriggles uncomfortably against the tiles that Junhui cradles his chin between his palms, directing his face to look up at him. He runs his thumbs along Chan's cheekbones until he blinks his eyes open, looking more than shattered. Junhui hums sadly. "Let's get you back into bed, pumpkin, hmm? Does that sound okay?"

Chan coughs a little before he responds. "What if I'm sick again? I don't want to make a mess." Jun presses his lips to the spot between his eyebrows.

"That's okay, Channie. I'll make sure there are no messes. Trust me." Chan seems to be convinced, nuzzling his face against one of Jun's palms and seemingly content to fall asleep on the bathroom floor. Junhui won't have that. "Come on, up we get. Help me out, Channie, you're a big boy now." He teases, gently, as he rolls Chan onto his back and takes his hands, tugging him up from the floor. Chan leans against Jun as he tries to get his feet under himself- Junhui wraps him up in a hug as he does so.

They slowly make it back to the bedroom where they find Soonyoung sat up in bed, frowning tiredly and looking around the room like he's trying to figure out what's going on. When he spots the pair of them, though, he's immediately alert, jumping from his bed to support Chan on his other side. "What happened? Why didn't you wake me? Channie, baby, are you okay?" Chan leaves Jun to answer all of his questions, just leaning his head on Soonyoung's shoulder as they traverse the rest of the bedroom.

"He threw up. It all happened too quickly for me to wake you, sorry." Junhui apologises, but Soonyoung gives him a reassuring smile. They get Chan tucked back into bed quickly, not before changing his shirt, which had gotten dirty during the ordeal. He's passed out again by the time he's under the covers, Soonyoung perched by his side, hands caressing his face and his hair. "Stay with him, I'll be back in a second," Junhui tells Soonyoung, leaving the room with Chan's water bottle to refill and a bucket to find.

When he comes back, Soonyoung hasn't moved. He puts both the bucket and the bottle on Chan's side of the bed before sitting next to Soonyoung and looking down at their maknae. He leans into Soonyoung's side, who quickly wraps an arm around his shoulders. "He'll be okay," Soonyoung reassures him, reassuring himself as well. Junhui nods.

"I should stay up with him. Just in case he wakes up again." Junhui says, but Soonyoung is quickly cutting off his train of thought.

"No, Junnie, you're exhausted. You've had a tough time of it as well." He's not wrong. Junhui had been in such a state when Chan had passed out, it had taken almost an hour of sitting under the shower head with Minghao before he'd calmed down. And still, he'd cried until he had Chan in his arms again. "Go lie with Hao-Hao, get some sleep. I'll look after Channie, yeah?" Soonyoung says, giving Jun a chaste kiss on the lips before he gets up to do what he's told, falling into the other bed and cuddling up to Minghao's side, falling asleep almost immediately.

Soonyoung watches him fondly for a minute before he turns back to Chan. Junhui worries about all of them so much, especially their maknae. They all have to remind themselves that he needs looking after as well, he can't be responsible for everyone's troubles, no matter how much he wants to help. He loves them so much.

With a sigh, Soonyoung rounds the bed to get in on the other side, sitting up against the headboard- he doesn't want to lie down for the risk of falling asleep whilst he's on Channie-watch. He laces a hand in Chan's hair and watches him sleep, the familiar little pout on his face making Soonyoung's heart beat a little faster. He's too cute for his own good.

*

Once everyone's up the next morning, Junhui steals his spot back from Soonyoung, who hadn't slept a wink. He gets Soonyoung back into the other bed, tucking him in with a kiss to the forehead for a nap. He lies back down next to Chan, who cuddles up to his chest, head resting on his shoulder. Jun lies there with him for most of the morning, stroking his hair and singing quiet, Chinese lullabies to him as he sleeps.

It's almost noon when Minghao comes to find him, convincing him to go and eat, seeing as he'd skipped breakfast to stay with Chan. Chan stirs when Junhui worms his way out from under him, carefully lowering him back down onto the mattress. Jun rubs his back as he groans and blinks his tired eyes open, one hand reaching out to grip at Jun's thigh. "You okay, pumpkin?" He asks, Minghao ready behind him with the bucket in his hands.

"My head hurts," Chan complains, his voice obviously strained from all the crying he'd done the night before. Junhui makes a mental note to send someone out for cough syrup. He won't have his baby in pain if he can do anything about it.

"I bet it does, sweetie. I'll get you some painkillers, okay?" Junhui responds, but Minghao steps up behind him, one arm curling around Junhui's shoulders.

"I'll get them, you go have some food. We can't have you bedridden as well." Minghao says, and Junhui has to stop himself from frowning. Chan's the one in need right now, not him. Chan's the one that needs looking after. He doesn't argue though, just presses a kiss to the top of Chan's head and slinks off to the kitchen. "I'll be back in a second, Chan-ah," Minghao tells him, and Chan gets another kiss- humming happily at all the affection.

Despite hating his anxiety and everything that comes with it, Chan can never say no to a bit of attention from his hyungs.

Minghao comes back a few minutes later, two white pills in his palm and a damp washcloth. He feeds Chan the medicine with a sip from his water bottle and lays the flannel across his warm forehead- Chan thanks him with a tired smile. He's exhausted, the poor thing, the bruises under his eyes look painful and he hasn't moved voluntarily in hours, just laying as still as he can. Minghao brushes his knuckles across Chan's cheek softly, the younger letting his eyes fall shut.

Minghao can't help but admire how beautiful their Channie is, despite not feeling well. His dark eyelashes are splayed across his cheekbones, his pink lips set in that familiar pout they know and love, and even his hands are pretty, where they're holding onto the hem of Minghao's shirt.

Despite how much he needs it, Chan doesn't go back to sleep. "Can we go sit in the living room?" Chan asks with a small voice, opening his eyes again to glance up at Minghao, who frowns. Chan shifts until his head is resting on the top of Minghao's thigh, nuzzling against him like a little kitty- he probably got that from Junhui.

"Are you sure, pumpkin? You really need to rest." Minghao tells him, but he's not in any position to tell Chan 'no.' He could ask for Minghao to pull down the moon right now and he wouldn't be able to refuse.

"Please," Chan responds, and his wide, sweet eyes seal the deal. Minghao still hesitates though- if they want Chan to be feeling better as soon as possible, he really should stay lying down. "I'm sick of this bed." Well, he could lie down in the living room, Minghao supposes. Minghao lets out an exaggerated sigh, tilting his head to one side.

"Well, I guess I could work something out." Chan giggles- if Minghao wasn't already convinced to grant his every wish, that would have done it. He presses a kiss to Chan's nose just to remind him how precious he is. "Come on then, kid." With a little bit of work and both arms around his waist, Minghao helps Chan into the living room, dragging his blanket behind them, his water bottle in his free hand. Chan leans against him heavily, knees still weak and shaky.

Anxiety attacks usually take a harsh toll on his body for the following days, but this one was far worse than usual- it's no surprise that he's so thrown off kilter. It's the adrenaline rush he experiences followed by the most severe crashes, it drains the energy right out of him. And passing out couldn't have made him feel any better- Seungcheol's already got him a doctor's appointment booked for the next day, just to check that everything's still okay. It should be, but they'd all like to be sure.

"Channie." Jeonghan scolds, Minghao smiling sheepishly as he lowers Chan into the vacant armchair, taking his water bottle to place on the floor within arm's reach. "What happened to bed rest, huh? You shouldn't be pushing yourself." Jeonghan asks, but everyone knows he can't say no to their maknae either, especially not after yesterday. As it stands, he's probably going to get his own way for at least the next year, after this.

"I missed you all," Chan replies, using the most sickly-sweet voice he can conjure up with his sore throat, and Jeonghan's resolve immediately cracks. He crosses the room to kiss Chan's cheek, and he would stay there with him if Mingyu wasn't already stealing the spot, worming his way under Chan's blanket, curling his long legs up to cuddle into the younger's side, chin hooking over his shoulder. "Hello," Chan says, his voice flat- Mingyu frowns and everyone else laughs.

As expected, Chan ends up falling asleep, not before convincing his hyungs to put his favourite movie on the television.

**Author's Note:**

> i miss writing about minghao, i never include him enough
> 
> hope you enjoyed <3
> 
>  
> 
> [my tumblr](https://hattieie.tumblr.com)
> 
>  
> 
> requested by lulu (chapter 1) and Tinaa Thai (chapter 2)


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